I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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