is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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