Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
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