Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
