just come out here and I will go home with you...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
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id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
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Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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