Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
