it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
