I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
