when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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