I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
