she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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