My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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