I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
