Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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