The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
