I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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