Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
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I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
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Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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