Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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