this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
