we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
