I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
