She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
