Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
