unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
