I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
