I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
you had me at cake vodka
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
