2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Your cock deserves a montage
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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