Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Randomize
