yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
