were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
