Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
