At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
