I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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