just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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