Duck Duck Cougar?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
