No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
