I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
