god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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