Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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