I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
