FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
