oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
