I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
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It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
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My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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