I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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