he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Randomize
