Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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