Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My liver just broke up with me...
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Randomize
