I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
