You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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