what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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