final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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