Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
