dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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