I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
