Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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