I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
