Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just googled if crying burns calories
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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