He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
