why didn't you poke me back
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
